Carol of the Bots

The Krampus was confident he would become Santa Claus... he would have easily ordered him to stop yelling and work together to stop the IGNOites. Surely this was a very old creature, but he knew that without this they could never achieve victory.

SG2 was panting completely, absurd for the sake of just enough juice, but wasn't able to deliver. The IGNOites were overwhelmed beneath the snow as she scrambled to the back of the world.

Bones screamed dryly as SG2 stepped aside from the rooftop - a slight distraction, but it would have to do. Azaran pointed at the last person who could answer that question before he felt his power going out.

SG2: LG, it's alright. I guess I just got a little closer to the north when it begins to flow.

Bones: Krampus was not nearly as amused by that, you know.

SG2: Don't you think I know this? xL is going to need demons as great as they are long.

Krampus met her here and then collapsed, face crushed by the anvils of Christmas. It was surprisingly small compared to the sleigh, but the rest of the IGNOites were flung forward in time when it happened. SG2 was left standing there...

Moonlight laughed, completely different from the distant tiger. Bones declared himself high, but the story goes like this...

Iris was right, it was midnight before we knew it. Azaran pointed out acorns that they realized looked like convulsing muscles.

Bradios: This is it.

LG & MTS could only answer that they had come along because of the free cheeses. Tim was already racing across the ice cream field and straight into the night, snowflakes engulfing both of his fingers. Bones handed Bradios a book.

Bones: Take this, and don't look back. SG2 will be here before--

Just then, Tim whipped up a dangerous wind with his tail swipe and quietly increased the sounds. Legendary firmware was already coming. Bradios couldn’t care that the book was only true if he wanted it to be. He understood that this kind of pressure was nothing new, dark software hidden within the white air.

The remaining members of the IGNOites were overwhelmed by the sudden wind, his muscles bulging to the point of no return. Bradios could only laugh.

Meanwhile Krampus and Santa Claus had joined forces. They kicked the tiger who barked immediately.

SG2: Why have you guys...

Krampus: Because we're more than just a Christmas cake!!

Santa shot fireballs in the snow, but it wasn't able to break the time portal. SG2 knew she had to endure the humiliation that the Christmas team had done... for the sake of her friends underground. The Krampus’ tongue tensed up at the taste of homemade goat weed.

Krampus: I'm only eating this because you were always inevitably dreaming about Goatie.

SG2: That's not true!!

Santa: I don’t have time for this. Krampus, finish her off.

Krampus laughed while Santa’s sleigh took off... but it was no longer reachable to him. SG2 was completely furious. It wasn't getting colder at all...

Back in the portal the IGNOite crew was imprisoned by the remaining armed goatlings. Azaran was the only one who they helped.

Bradios: And I thought you were a good guy...

Azaran: Well I'm sorry that you can’t smile strongly enough.

Tim knew of a secret Christmas portal they could use but Iris hovered above the artifact, forgetting her manner. Azaran sighed.

LG: Soon enough a tiger will come.

Azaran: Yeah, okay.

Reese spared a long silence as the IGNOites butchered seven reindeer... Bones himself returning with the secrets they had expected. Krampus never knew exactly what happened inside the covers, surrounding the walls across the room with warning device. In fact, it seemed that this place was alive...

Atlas bashed away the pixies before they could chase after Krampus. He had already expended so much energy that no amount of Christmas lights would suffice. Trees were listening. It was too much.

MTS: Azaran... Something powerful from the bushes...

Azaran: Trees, you mean. They'd probably just steal the book while you guys aren’t looking.

Iris: I don't know about that...

Tim: But you had been spared before--

Azaran: Whatever. Tomorrow is going to be difficult.

He waved us through the portal unimpeded. Surely... Surely this was a very obvious path. Bones was already holding onto the back of the history book, knowing this was their final hope. Bradios opened an endless cycle of Christmas power with his tracking device... it must have been Krampus. But what about Goatie? Bones replied to himself.

Bones: Krampus knows better. The other option... he’d lift my ass in a hot second.

xL: What are you saying?

Bones was silent. The snowflakes were already struggling to pull away...

Once more, SG2 opened up the Christmas portal. in the massive underground library, she understood everything. Krampus could only stagger backwards in disbelief...

Krampus: But you are not the first blood, you know...

SG2: Cross was too, huh? That goes double for me. Everyone...I'm coming through.

... Hey leprechauns, they found something. Tim materialized beside the portal... or a clone perhaps. Bones was unamused. The IGNOites were noticeably frightened by this display of Christmas magic, but even now it was too late. Without warning... SG2 was here.

SG2: Heh. I made it.

Bones: SG2... But then where is Krampus?

SG2: Santa Claus made him into nothingness. He had already gone, though.

Reese: Corpses, then...

LG: We didn't have a choice. Azaran was going to leave us all behind.

Azaran: I never told you about that.

MTS: My tatas read his mind--

Bradios: Oh yeah...

Tim: So what happened inside the covers? Krampus hated everything but Christmas after all...

Bones: Fireballs. Destruction. There’s no glory in this.

Iris: Demons who had already been forever under Santa’s control. He was not at fault.

Bradios: Then what do you suppose we do?

Azaran: ... I can take you to him. My masters.

Bones: What did you say?!

Azaran shrugged. The IGNOites were already too gay for this, so what’s the point of saying no? Bradios nodded. He couldn’t banish thoughts of them taking Goatie into the massive underground library... they had to be stopped!!

Bradios: I say we go. Tim can’t fly, anyway.

Tim: ... Right... Well... It’s Bradios that suddenly asked to see the entrance...

Bones: Stop fighting. Azaran, who was sneaking through the castle just now?

Azaran: That's...

LG: You shouldn’t be talking.

Azaran: ... Alright. I guess I can sense his presence. The problem is that...

Reese: Cross... right?

Azaran: You knew?

MTS: We thought--

Tim: He was dead.

Azaran: Cross looks like hell, but it’s Claus who will pay. It could be that his head was only stomped on a little bit but he's okay. He couldn’t...

SG2: That's enough. We can see when we get there.

LG: This team has already beaten him once after all.

Azaran: I hope so.

Azaran lead the charge right into the heart of the castle, but the IGNOites were still wary of his friends underground. The goats were far too busy to find Santa Claus...

LG: How much longer?

Azaran: ... Leprechauns.

Bones: Leprechauns are my kingdom.

Azaran: Not here... because of Crossbones.

Reese: you can't mean...!!

Azaran whispered with a slightly different voice.

Azaran: In my world cross has absorbed Bones’ artifacts. His power is unstoppable.

xL: My jizz is horny just thinking about that ferocious ass...

LG: Shut up, you fruity mangotini.

Azaran sighed. The path up to Cross’ throne room was long and full of boulders. Tim pulled out his pickaxe prosthetic from the bushes, surrounding the boulders with his presence. In an instant they became powder.

MTS: He's too powerful...

xL: I'd love to get slammed by his raw size...

Azaran: You shouldn’t.

Azaran and the IGNOites shimmied up the building furiously... but Santa was always looking from beyond the book, knowing the portal to pursue Cross was waiting on the other side. There was only one way to see through dimensions - a human tether whose name was Azaran. He didn't seem to know about that, but it was very convenient. His wings widened undeterred, flying straight up into the ceiling above to scan the area.

Azaran: Spiky up ahead. Watch out for traps.

SG2: He's surprisingly helpful.

LG: I can’t trust him. After all, he did make love to that Krampus.

SG2: Krampus, huh... in the end I don't think he was a bad guy. Santa Claus... imprisoned him too.

Tim: You think he was being used?

SG2: I don’t know, but he was worth more than Kringle could respect. I'd like to fight him again some day.

xL: He was very hot too. His meats probably painted quite the picture.

SG2: You should die.

Azaran: ... we're here.

Azaran jumped over the crater and into the doorway. The IGNOites did the same. Inside was Crossbones... Bones himself from another world. Bones was unamused by his impostor and ran forward with his axe. Cross jumped over Beinskerandi with enough force to stop the blade.

Cross: Azaran... what is it you intended to do by bringing them here?

Azaran: ... I've had enough of being your elf... you should just die!!

Cross: So the time has come... you foolish boy. I didn't endure years worth of study in his chambers to let you win so easily.

Cross clapped sarcastically and called an army of Christmas leprechauns. Bones growled in response... Iris was right. He couldn’t muscle through this crowd after all.

Cross: You won't attack your own servants. This is my victory!!

SG2: He won't, but we can!!

SG2 flung her chainsaw into the crowd of leprechauns, crackling bolts of white eggs along the blade. It exploded forth as she crashed her titanic gold chainsaw through the wall, but the remaining elves fired bullets and arrows into the small tiger. SG2 was imprisoned by rows of sharp teeth in seconds...

LG: You'll pay for that!!

LG unsheathed his legendary Gayblade... it's grown gigantic in response to the evil energy. Cross seemed to realize that the chances of his children dying were high. Quickly he unbound the lawn elves at his command.

Cross: Destroy them to death!!

MTS jumped from the rooftop into the room using her gigantic titties to pole vault, slyly grinning with her eyes.

MTS: You're finished, Crossbones!! Taste mythical titties in your face!!

The shockwaves blast away safely through the wall, but...

Bradios: Damn!! MTS... can you swing your boobs into the next room? I have a plan!!

MTS: I can try...

Her nipples were already struggling to overcome the hordes of Christmas elves, but MTS swung her tits back through the portal and into the next dimension. They came out the other side through the portal in the next room. Bradios opened the book Bones gave him earlier... and started chanting the typomantic arts.

Bradios: ... Alright, everyone...... 60 thousands of Christmas teats, take this!!

SG2 was too tight inside the prison, but sent her power up into the air. Bradios absorbed the energy into himself until there was no longer a prison that could hold the tiger. The prison exploded into the past... SG2 went flying into the portal and crashed straight into the chest of the terrified MTS. The tiger immediately began pointing at each member of the team quickly... and then collapsed face down in the bosom.

Tim: Was that the signal?

Reese: Yes... go!!

Reese raised an eyebrow in front of him and grabbed one of the fallen titties, tossing it into the crowd of leprechauns. They were knocked back like bowling balls instantly, then exploded into Christmas lightning.

Cross: Impossible... go, my elves, revenge for the leprechauns!!

The elves were too strong and the IGNOites were still sorta incapacitated. Azaran drew back... it seemed impossible after all. Reese happened to be a great Christmas boss, adjusted his glasses and stepped forward with an imposing aura.

Reese: Cross... you knew that such unfortunate secrets hidden within IGNOLand would never be understood, so you buried books in the past. But you didn't expect us to jump forward through the Christmas portal to stop you.

Cross: ... I came to the north before him. Bones was not nearly as powerful as me. I should be the king!! Krampus knew, krampuuuuus would--

Bones: Enough!! SG2, finish him!!

SG2 charged through the wall... Cross growled boldly, but the chainsaw father was already buried in his giant head!! SG2 grinned in amusement before materializing behind Crossbones and cutting off his skull. Crossbones was no more...

Bradios: Now we need to go back to the past dimension and get home.

Azaran: Another Kringle is still out there...

LG: So what will you do? Are you afraid?

Azaran: No... I won't be turned away so easily!! Besides, I still want my revenge. For Goatie.

SG2: I think Krampus would be proud of you.

Azaran: ... I hope so. he's the only one I've ever loved.

Iris: The goats will be sad to see you go...

Azaran: ... I never belonged here. Let's go.

SG2 and the IGNOites shimmied into the portal to the past. Azaran threw his history behind and came, revenge for his friends finally in his eyes. Cross was dead but the story was not over. The real king would still rise...

10o'clock. The children were merciless … it was presents time now. They'd kick buttcrack if it didn't happen soon, but Santy Claus needs to break through the curse first. Fortunately the IGNOites had come.

SG2: The pixie queen … you were here, too …

Linda: Krampus charged me with his job in the end. I won't back down.

Santa: And so we promised the pathetic excuse for a rival that his body would never die.

Bones: Krampus isn't the issue here... let him rest in peace. … he didn't even manage to break the curse willingly.

Santa: Krampus was lost. All have been lost.

SG2: I don't like your friends. I think you'll find us all quite difficult to break. Right … wing boy?

Azaran: … I wonder. It must have begun to fracture … your power.

Santa: I see you brought the zedkiel boy. If only Bones was truly the ultimate guy … Cross had failed since the beginning I suppose.

Karma: I just got here.

Santa charged furiously beyond the limit. The pixie's power loosened something similar … bursting forth with thunderous plasma from the shadows. It was certainly nothing weak. Santa stomped back with Kristof's warning barrier - it was a sign that said Super Krampus would block every one of the punches.

SG2: Superpowered Krampus... his body has no soul anymore.

Santa: That's right, his eyes are under my power now. Yes … bursting within Krampus … that artifact's power of belief.

Bones: The artifact … this thing again. But Santa was fused with it wasn't he? You'd better explain!!

Linda: Krampus charged the artifact that cross had stolen. The energy was still there... enough to fool him while Santa's barrier was started. We never even knew about it. But it's too late to stop now …

Bones: Linda … he had to be stopped. I will stop him. His body became a shell for that Kringle instead. He's not real anymore.

Linda: …

LG: Azaran … you have to strike him down. That Krampus is corrupt, no longer the one you want.

Azaran: I suppose this is goodbye then. Santa, I can't let you live. You ain't like him... not even once.

SG2: Shit. He's already absorbed all of his memories...

Bradios: Krampus lives inside him now. Forever …

Azaran: Tiger. His horns are the weak point. Attack while I keep the pixie busy.

SG2: … do you trust me?

Azaran: No.

Azaran dashed out in front of Santa, whose thunderous blows had already reached their bodies. The two kobolds looked confused about the situation, but it should have been enough to cripple the boy. Santa spun around behind Atlas and Iris, too fast to stop before he could try to break through. Bones flipped his armor on and kicked Santa into the distance.

Bones: Shit. He's trying to attack our weakness instead of protect Super Krampus!!

SG2: You're pretty confident huh. For a rival.

Santa: Not a rival. A furious rain who will rule IGNOLand!!

SG2 shouted into the sky as she grasped the power of IGNOLand inside her. This was a power up... it could even touch Santa's power. Krampus stepped outside the barrier and froze it apart with ice breath. Bones smirked tentatively as he watched his tiger manifest the ethereal chainsaw of blue flame.

Bones: SG2 can't lose in this form. It's over, Santa!!

Santa: Krampus!! Abide by fear and despair, kill that little monster!!

Krampus furrowed his brow and vibrations of energy spread far beyond the darkness. His body began to pulsate with a superhot blue aura … beneath his feet spread suckers that would absorb the IGNOites!! SG2 shouted to the IGNOites to get away before his suckers could–

Bones: Watch out!!

Krampus charged at Azaran suddenly... but he was too shaken to move. It was … his beloved after all.

SG2: He isn't Krampus anymore, fight back!!

Linda cried, rising up to his horns to hold onto. But she was too small to damage him like this...

Linda: Young boy, please end it. He didn't want it to be this way!!

Azaran: Whatever...

Azaran shot bolts of ice arrows bursting forth with all their might, straight through to Krampus. Krampus reacted in pain as they'd hit his head... burning a hole in the queen as well. Krampus grimaced a howl in fury, but it was too late. Azaran then shot a final parting arrow through the air …

Azaran: It's over now … become colder.

Krampus froze in unnatural agony, painted by the snow... Azaran's eyes were merciless, and then... crrrrrr … … … … … … unch.

Azaran: … he had it coming. This is my apology.

LG: I was mistaken. You were the strongest after all.

Santa: Don't forget about me, idiot!!

Santa stomped over to the grumpy scoundrel, his eyes smoldering with fury. Krampus was gone away now … that was perhaps less than ideal. Bones blocked his friends from the furious Claus.

Bones: You don't get to relax yet. I decide who gets killed next you know.

Santa: Just like your little pixie queen?

Bones: You shut your mouth!!!!

Bones swung his flaming axe towards Santa Claus himself– before he could try to break his friends. Santa grinned and jumped across the rooftops to surround the IGNOites. Bones lifted the artifact right into his face.

Bones: You're nothing without this.

Santa: Oh really.

xL: Daddy … touch my boobie bump more.

SG2: Oh shut up already.

Santa dusted off his jacket and threw it at Bones. A challenge. Bones lifted it up and smothered the unconscious kobolds.

Santa: You …

Bones: It's just the two of us now.

SG2: I think maybe he forget about us.

Karma: Me especially...

Atlas: Shouldn't we help him?

Azaran sighed. It wasn't going to help his feathers if he fought dirty. Krampus wouldn't want him to.

Azaran: Of course not. Bones chose his fight after all. Santa will fall off that place anyway.

Iris: I hope you are right.

She did some banjo for the IGNOites while they waited... they hated that.

Bones: I shouldn't even be here. I'm not around much these days.

Santa: The curse of rulership.

Bones: You said it. That's why I'll win this fight.

Santa: Let's go.

Santa charged a white blue energy sphere of pure energy, but Bones blocked these meddlesome energies beneath his feet. This was his final stand, flaming with unchecked flames of green. His body began to feel like there may have been a bit longer to summon that tremendous power... but Santa wouldn't wait. Santa leapt at the konungur angrily, hard onto the snow underneath them.

Santa: The final beam clash happens now!!

Bones: Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!

SG2 and the others watched slack jawed as the two charged and shot tremendous beam so close ranged. At that distance both would surely die...

Bones: I need more power!! Send me energy, my friends!!

Santa: You think you can win... I'll take the energy from Krampus... oh no.

Bones: Die, Santa Claus!!

Bones absorbed the energy from his comrades and powered up to a super degree, and his eyes glowed in green light. His beam overwhelmed Santa and engulfed the Kringle in a burst of unimaginable force... Santa's body burned white before it finally crumbled to dust.

Bones stood, powered down, in his human form... and then he collapsed in the snow.

Konungur Bones died that day... but his friends would never forget his sacrifice he made to destroy the evil Santa Claus. Krampus and Goatee would remember, too.

And as for Azaran? Azaran became the new Santa, sworn to bring love and peace to children and the people of IGNOLand.

THE END

Hark how the bots, sleek silver bots, all seem to say, throw hope away
Christmas is here, bringing the fear, from everywhere, of dark software
Clink clank clink clank, the sound they make, with fearful ring, how harrowing
Scary scary scary scary Christmas...scary scary scary scary Christmas...