“...so you figured something was fishy when you saw the castle empty on Christmas Eve, and tracked us here? That’s basically the same thing we did.”
Atlas, with Angel on his back,running alongside Katie and Von Goatly, were still making their way to the North Pole to warn Santa of the Krampus’ evil plot. As they struggled to find their way through the barren Ice Plains in the middle of the raging snowstorm, Atlas told them his tale.
“Well to be honest, I was actually looking for the North Pole...”, he continued. “Those leprechauns wouldn’t even go get my gift from under the tree for me, and there was no way I was getting close to that thing. Fuckin’ trees, man, can't trust 'em.”
“That’s...uh-huh.”
Anyway, I thought if I got to the North Pole, I could...persuade Santa to hand something over and save me the trouble. But I got lost along the way - not much for landmarks up here, after all - so when I saw the Krampus’ ice tower in the distance, I mistook it for the North Pole at first. Then, as I got closer, I heard the fight and thought you ladies could use a little chivalry.”, he said with a wink.
“How very lucky for us...”, said Katie. It was all she could do to not roll her eyes - she was quite happy with her own hooved husband already.
“Anyway...haven’t you guys been to the North Pole like a million times before? Mind giving me some pointers?”
“We’ve only ever been when we’re following Santa, or Krampus, or some sort of trail of destruction...”, says Angel, already recovering but still not fit to fly on her own. “And in a blizzard like this, it’s even harder to spot anything memorable about the landscape...the best we can do is keep going North. We’ll come across it eventually...and hopefully we won’t be too late.”
Angel pulled a compass from her pocket and handed it to Atlas, careful not to lose her grip on the snowglobe Katie had recently passed into her care. The storm was raging just as fiercely on the inside of the glass dome as it was all around them in the real world...Angel pondered over the words the Krampus had said while he was beating her. The globe was enchanted against being broken from the outside - he worded that very specifically. Did that mean her friends would be able to break through from the inside? What if he was bluffing, and smashing really would free them? But there was just as much chance he was telling the truth, and it wasn’t worth the risk of knocking the ones inside around even further or getting them caught in some natural disaster...all she could do was hope that Santa would be able to break the spell with his Christmas Magic once they reached the North Pole.
“Just hold on, guys...we’ll get you out of there as soon as we can.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately for Angel and friends, the Krampus did know a shortcut to the North Pole, and had already arrived with his Pixie Cavalry. The courtyard was already filled with the sounds of clashing steel, Santa’s own Elven Army proving to be as evenly matched as the Krampus had predicted. Every one of them was a seasoned seasonal warrior, having undergone years of training in Santa’s own Winter War Warehouse - they had to be prepared for battles like this at any time, Christmas or otherwise. Despite the visual similarity, these were a far cry from the simple toymaker elves employed in the factory...they were a whole 'nother breed altogether.
Of course, the pixies were just as competent at half the size, trained combat experts ordinarily tasked with defending the Queen from their arch enemies, the Piskis. Though their woodland home was a vastly different sort of terrain than this snowscape of a battlefield, their ability to leap off their snorses and engage in aerial combat kept the earthbound elves on their toes, as did their potent dark magic. However, they were less capable of maneuvering through the wind and snow. This would not be an easy battle, and both sides were prepared for heavy casualties for the sake of protecting their respective charges...the pixies, in particular, were under strict orders from their Queen to ensure the Krampus victory at any cost. They didn’t understand why she was so fascinated by him...but they were merely soldiers, and it was not their place to question the motivations of royalty. They simply did their best to carry out this duty.
“M-Mr. Kringle, sir...!!”
An elf dressed in heavy armor busted through the door to Santa’s workshop, breathing heavily. The old man was hard at work stuffing his bag full of toys, mere hours remaining before he was set to begin his flight - for even if he did possess a magical inter-dimensional carrying case, sorting everything so he never failed to grab the correct gift was by no means a simple task.
“I told you not to bother me this close to my flight”, he said, not even looking up from his task.
“M-my apologies, sir...but the pixie army is more competent than we’d expected. We’re suffering heavy losses, and at this rate--”
“As long as a single elf still stands, you will continue to do your duty and defend this workshop to your dying breaths!!”, shouted Santa, his tone unlike any one would typically imagine from the supposedly jolly philanthropist. “You are well aware of how busy I am on this day, and how little time remains until my flight!!”
“I...I am aware, sir...”, the elf said, dejected. “And I know it’s above my station to speak out of turn like this...b-but you were once the brilliant general of the Elven Army before your father passed the title of Santa Claus down to you...surely, with your leadership on the field, we--”
There was a loud crash as Santa slammed his fist on the table in front of him...the elf nearly jumped clean out of his boots as the old man finally stopped working and rose from his seat. Terror filled the eyes of the elven commander as his boss approached him with what could only be described as a quiet rage.
“Commander Sprinkles.”
“Sir!!”, cried Sprinkles, giving a nervous salute to his superior officer.
“Suppose I join you on the field and lead the army to victory. Suppose, even, that we win, and drive away the invading forces, leaving me just enough time to hop into my sleigh and fly off into the night.” Santa begins to pace back and forth, his arms folded neatly behind his back. “But because of the time I spent on the battlefield, my gifts weren’t properly organized...and I’m left blindly reaching my hands into my bag. I arrive at little Ashley Stevenson’s house...the gift in my hand has a tag that says 'Ashley’ on it, and by the weight, it feels just about right for the Tinklin’ Tammy doll she asked for. So I take that gift down the chimney, leave it under the tree, and am making just enough time that I can pause for a short milk and cookie break.”
Sprinkles begins to grow visibly more afraid as Santa stops pacing, his back now to the elf as he continues to speak.
“Now suppose that Ashley races down the stairs on Christmas morning, her eyes glowing with excitement...she sees the box under the tree. To Ashley, love Santa. She grins from ear to ear - 'he got my letter, he got my letter!!’ she cries excitedly. She can’t wait to unwrap that Tinklin’ Tammy!! ...only...it’s not Tinklin’ Tammy. It’s a Tommy Tomahawk with real head-busting action!! She examines the toy disappointedly...she accidentally pushes the button and Tommy launches his weapon. It hits her little brother Jimmy in the forehead...that 'real head-busting action’ works as advertised. Jimmy is rushed to the hospital...Christmas is ruined for the entire family.”
Santa turns back to face Sprinkles...his face is still completely calm and composed, but Sprinkles can sense the ferocity of a demon...
“That gift was meant for Ashley Robinson, the little boy who lives on 32 Maple. Do you know how many Ashleys there are in IGNOLand, Commander Sprinkles?”
“N-no sir...but I would imagine...hundreds...?”
“Oh yes, there are hundreds. Both boys and girls with a wide variety of interests. And do you know what those boys and girls feel about Santa when they unwrap a Tommy Tomahawk when they asked for a Tinklin’ Tammy?”
“S-sir...?”
“THEY HATE HIM!!!”
Sprinkles leaps backward, now pressed against the wall...Santa comes closer, boxing him in. There’s nowhere to run...Santa’s face is twisted almost recognition.
“And when little girls and boys come to hate Santa Claus for giving them the wrong gift, they stop writing letters...they stop wishing, they stop hoping, and eventually they stop believing. And do you know what happens when little girls and boys stop believing in Santa Claus, Commander Sprinkles?”
“Y-you...lose your Christmas Magic...?”
“I LOSE MY CHRISTMAS MAGIC!! THE VERY POWER THAT HAS SUSTAINED THIS BODY FOR CENTURIES, THE POWER THAT HAS GRANTED ME SUPERHUMAN LONGEVITY - THE HAPPINESS AND BELIEF OF CHILDREN IN SANTA CLAUS!!”
There is a long silence...Sprinkles’ arm is beginning to grow tired, but he dare not lower it from the salute position. He can only stand there trembling as Santa’s face regains its calm and he continues.
“So you tell me, Commander Sprinkles, what is more important for Santa Claus to be doing in the middle of the afternoon on Christmas Eve - sorting the children’s gifts, or commanding incompetent soldiers who should already know what they’re doing out there on the field?”
“S-sorting the presents, sir...!!”
“Good man...now return to your post and leave me to my work, soldier.”
“Y-yes, sir!!”
“Oh, and Sprinkles...?”
Just nearly out the doorway to freedom, Sprinkles freezes in his tracks when his name is called...and slowly, he turns back to the doorway, towards Santa...
“S-sir...? Aa--!!”
A massive lump of coal hits the elf directly in the head, sending him flying out the door and out into the hallway, where he smashes into the wall...he crumples onto the floor in a heap.
“Bother me when I’m working again and I’ll see to it that you go on the Naughty List...permanently. You understand my meaning, I trust...?”
“Y-yes, sir...!!”
Sprinkles manages to pull himself back to his feet, marching back to the battlefield without another word - for even that Hellish world of crashing blades and red-soaked snow was a paradise in comparison to Santa Claus’ workshop on Christmas Eve.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“The coast is clear”, came a crackling voice over the speaker of his headset.
“About time...”
The Krampus had been lying in wait on the roof of the workshop for what felt like forever. The pixie spy who had been stationed outside Santa’s workshop window had given the signal, meaning the bag was now unguarded. It had been even more difficult than he’d expected to separate Santa from his bag, for not even the incredible carnage going on outside was enough to draw him out. However, once he learned that his sleigh had been hit by a strong magic bolt, and both Donder and Blitzen were severely injured, it became a lot more personal...and the man himself finally took to the field. After all, organizing his gifts was meaningless if he didn’t have a sleigh to fly or a reindeer to pull it.
“Poor Ol’ Kringle...if only you knew that a busted sleigh will be the least of the reasons Christmas will be cancelled...this year, and from now on!!” With a hearty laugh, the grizzled green beast prepared himself for the infiltration.
Then he slid down the chimney, into the campus - for if Santa could do it then so could the Krampus. He got stuck only once, for a minute or two, then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue. And there in the corner, laid out like a rag, was the one and the only...
“Santa Claus’ bag...”
He slinked and he slanked, his hand inches away - for once, it seemed Krampus might just win the day!!
...but of course, things could never be that simple.
“I don’t care how shorthanded you are, repairing my sleigh is the top priority!! And see to it that at least four soldiers are stationed around it at all times so this doesn’t happen aga--”
He should have known that Kringle wouldn’t stay gone for long...Krampus froze, his body hunched, the tip of his claw just barely touching the magical sack as Santa stared at him from the doorway.
“Krampus...!!” “Kringle...!!”
The old man moved at a speed that belied his weight, swiftly grabbing one of the candycane rapiers mounted on the wall just beside the entrance. The Krampus had a blade at his throat before he could even react.
“One move, even a twitch of that arm and you’ll regret it. I may not be able to kill you, but I can certainly incapacitate you...painfully.”
“Hehehe...so I’ve lost once again, is that it? Such a shame...”
“So it was the bag you were after all along, was it? I admit, I’m a bit surprised to see you...it was obvious you were behind this little invasion, but I can’t say I expected you to slip in yourself...you’re usually the type to have others do your bidding for you.”
“And that’s exactly why this was my plan, old friend...you never would have saw it coming.”
“Indeed, you very nearly had it...good thing I came back to grab a wrench.”
The two laughed together for a time, and if not for the sword pressed against the Krampus’ neck it may have seemed like a reunion of two long-lost friends to an outsider. Of course, the two had always been close. It was their destiny to be eternally bound, the two sides of Christmas locked in an eternal struggle, yet cursed to be unable to destroy the other. In a twisted way, one could even consider them, quite literally, soulmates.
But Krampus was stuck - the bag was right there beneath his hand, but if he bent his body even the slightest bit to grab it, Kringle would have his head...there was, however, one move he could make. If he could distract the Claus for just a split second...just enough to twitch...
“I see your army and mine are quite evenly matched out there...it’s no wonder you’re not worried...”, he began, sure to keep his eyes locked on his opponent to watch for even a second’s lapse in focus. “However, with your reindeer and sleigh damaged, I wonder if you’ll be ready for your journey tonight after all...think of how disappointed the children would be to see Santa slacking off so.”
And there it was - for just a flash, Santa’s eyes were clouded with rage as Krampus all but confessed to planning this strike to his most vulnerable spot. And that instant was all he needed to flick his wrist upward, his wrist chain catching Santa’s rapier. If his opponent were a weaker man, he could have disarmed him easily...but of course, Kringle was a skilled fighter in his own right and managed to wrest control free of the chains after but a moment. But the tides had nonetheless turned, and Krampus was free to fight back.
“Not bad at all...you’ve improved since we last fought!!”, said Santa, the praise in his voice seemingly genuine.
“Well, it has been over a century, after all...I’m not the only one who prefers to let others do my bidding.”
Krampus swings his chains with commendable skill, a subtle grace in every movement. Under the arm, step forward, over the elbow, step forward. It was enough to put Santa on the defensive, but he certainly wasn’t backed into a corner. Though heavyset he was nonetheless extremely light and limber, dodging and blocking his opponent’s blows in equal measure.
“Referring to the IGNOites who thwart your evil plans at every turn, no doubt?”
“Heh...’evil’, am I? If only those heroes of yours knew of your true colors.”
Krampus narrowly dodges of a perfect thrust from the razor-sharp candycane, its tip sucked to a fine point.
“I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Play dumb all you want...we both know you could have sealed me away in that bag long ago, like you did to your brother...but you kept me around because it suits your interests.”
Krampus cranes his neck to the side, letting his chain fall over it, then whips it forward in one swift, elegant strike. Santa’s movements are starting to waver ever so slightly - Krampus knows he’s touching a nerve with his accusations. He wants Kringle to hesitate and give him an opening.
“Shouldn’t you be off playing with snowmen, or whatever it is you do?”, says Santa, his voice growing more tense as his thrusts become less steady. “Unlike some people, I have a big evening planned, and I’d hate to keep my loyal fans waiting.”
That was it - his moment!! Krampus ducks a thrust and steps backward, throwing his chain forward to block the fat man’s advance - he spins and reels it back, sidesteps over to the workbench, and...!!
“SHIT!!”
Santa realizes all too late that Krampus’ goal had been not to incapacitate him, but to snatch the bag all along. Before he can strike, the green devil hurls the back forward, catching the air and unfurling like a sail...Kringle freezes as he stares into the thick darkness of the bag’s opening. If he advances with another thrust, that bag could be thrown over his head in a second.
Checkmate.
“Hahaha...truly entertaining!! That’s right...try to come at me and I’ll bag you like a Christmas goose. It would seem that I’ve won...even you are helpless before this, aren’t you?”
“Not helpless!!”
The two opponents both turn towards the workshop door in tandem - it’s Angel, Katie, Atlas...and PWR!!
“Another one?!” Krampus shouts. “WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF YOU?! Her spell was supposed to trap all of you meddling kids inside that globe!!”
Apparently PWR, too, had arrived to an unnervingly empty Castle Bones and figured the gist of the situation - her friends were missing, and the Krampus likely had something to do with it. As she was flying across the Ice Plains on her magic pancake, she bumped into the others who brought her up to speed and they made their way to the North Pole together.
“We may not be around as often to hang out these days...”, says PWR, taking in open-legged stance.
“We may be busy with our own lives...”, Angel says, handing the snowglobe to Katie before drawing her bow of light.
“Families...”, adds Katie, taking the globe and holding onto Von Goatly tight.
“And jobs...”, Atlas says, drawing two guns from the holsters secured to his front haunches.
“But as long as we’re still friends, we’ll always be there to lend a hand when we’re needed!!” Angel pulls back on her light bowstring, launching an arrow directly at the holiday fiend...he manages to roll to the side, bag still in hand, and dodge.
...right into a centaur kick that sends him crashing into the already-cracked wall Commander Sprinkles had been hurled into earlier.
“Not...that again...”, he moans, struggling to his feet...but he refuses to let anyone wrest the bag from his grasp. Fortunately, he was still wearing his headset.
“Requesting backup inside the workshop!!”
“What?!”
It only took an instant. The glass of the windows was suddenly shattered, letting a flood of frosty air into the warm chamber, followed by eight pixies on tiny ziplines rocketing down from the roof outside. They may have been small, but with heavy artillery on their side they quickly had the IGNOites surrounded. Krampus used this chance to make a run for it down the hallway.
“Santa, get after him!! We’ll take care of these guys!!” shouted Atlas, firing his elemental guns into the fray.
Santa rolled along the floor and out the door, grabbing the other rapier from the wall and chasing after his arch enemy. With Krampus clinging tightly to the bag, he was quickly put on the defensive, blocking Santa’s wild thrusts - he was fueled by fear and anger, now, and would have ordinarily been much easier to take down...had the Krampus been able to fight to his full ability. Even with his power almost maxed, there was only so much he could do as long as he was protecting that bag.
“Unhand my bag now and I’ll let you go instead of banishing you to the Christmas Dimension like I should!!”
“Bold lies!! We both know you’ve got it things too good with me around, acting as your arch nemesis while you play the hero. You’d never do it!!”
The two continue to bicker as they fight - Santa’s every blow pushing Krampus further and further down the hallway as he can do little beyond block with his chains and step backward...eventually the two find themselves in the parlor, lit only by the dim glow of the fireplace and tree lights. Krampus is eventually backed against that very fireplace - nowhere to run.
“Heh...you always were the better fighter between the two of us, weren’t you...”
Despite having the beast on the ropes, Santa remains wary - Krampus is still holding the magic bag that could trap him in the Christmas Dimension with ease. He was close enough to make the Krampus reluctant to try running - but not so close that he could truly restrict his movements. The two remained locked in eye contact for a long time, mentally going over all possible moves...not unlike a game of chess.
And that’s when Krampus remembered the chess pieces he had used earlier, to compose his plan...the fireplace!! Yes, this was his chance. But he couldn’t be so reckless as he was in the workshop - one false move with his hands and Santa could make to reclaim the bag. What could he do? The solution was right behind him - his eyes darted. Santa noticed... a second too late.
“Aaack!!”
The fat man stumbled backward as a cloud of coal dust was kicked up into his eyes...Krampus’ tail whipped around behind him, sweeping it up from the fireplace. The rapier fell from Kringle’s hand as he clutched his face in pain...and Krampus leapt forward, bag spread wide like the mouth of a serpent ready to swallow its hapless prey.
“...unfortunately for you...”
The sack was thrown over Kringle’s torso as he flailed about wildly...Krampus tackled him to the floor, stuffing his rotund belly and legs all the way through...and then, he tied the bag with the leather string attached to the neck nice and tight.
“...I was always the more clever and resourceful one.”
Krampus stood tall and breathed a heavy sigh of relief - a sigh thousands of years in the making. The only other sound that filled the room was the crackling of cinders in the fireplace.
“Christmas belongs to me.”
“SANTA!!!!!”
If only they had arrived a few seconds sooner...Angel and co. had defeated their pixie foes, but they were too late to protect the very person they’d come to the North Pole to save. There, in the fireplace, burning as though it were just another yule log on the fire...was Santa’s magic bag. They all knew what Krampus’ plan had been - so seeing him standing there in an otherwise empty room, his hard-won prize tossed aside to smolder slowly to ashes...it was all the confirmation they needed.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!”
Atlas charged - he’d already nailed the demon twice with his patented Centaur Kick, what was once more? However, he hadn’t bargained for the fact that, with Santa gone, all that Christmas Magic had found its new home inside Krampus...
“Ghhh....gggaaack...”
Without even moving from his position, Krampus thrust his arm out faster than the naked eye could follow, grabbing Atlas by the head and stopping him in his tracks. And then...he squeezed. He squeezed until blood as red as the centaur’s hair began dripping down his face, before finally delivering his own heavy-hoofed strike and knocking him clean - not into, but through - the adjacent wall.
“You can’t stop me. Not now, nor ever again.”
“Wanna bet?!?!?! Go, my razorblade-shitting crows!!!”
PWR jumped into the air, legs spread wide as a flash of white radiated from her crotch. The room was suddenly filled with black feathers as a dozen crows flew from her VAGE, swarming over the Krampus’ head to deliver sharp, razory justice...but not a single blade touched even one hair on his mangy head. He didn’t appear to have moved at all, and yet he dodged every single razor.
“Already over? Then it’s my turn.”
Krampus hunched and spread his arms wide, an enormous burst of red and green energy exploding in a spherical dome around his body. All the crows were charred to a crisp...and much of the room itself was likewise incinerated. Angel and Katie exchanged a panic glance...how could they possibly stand up to this incredible power? It was true that every year, the Krampus would somehow reach his peak and become terrifyingly strong, and usually growing to a gigantic size. Now he remained at his standard stature, despite the increased muscle mass...yet he seemed far more powerful than they had ever witnessed before. And at least, in the past, they were all together...if SG2 and the other, stronger IGNOites were here, then maybe......
Angel’s train of thought abruptly crashed and the next thing she knew was the taste of cold snow and dirt. She hadn’t even realized that she had been hit, but the Krampus had somehow knocked her flying out of the half-destroyed room, skidding across the snow outside a good distance away...her mouth was full of the taste of copper as blood steadily dripped from her nose onto the ground below. And she thought the beating he had given her earlier was painful...now, it was all she could do not to lose consciousness. Her vision blurred as she peered back into the remains of the parlor...Katie and Von Goatly were scrunched up in a bloody corner of the floor...and the snowglobe they’d held onto so carefully, the prison their friends were presently trapped in...had rolled just under the Krampus’ hoof, back into his clutches. All Angel could do was pray that her friends were faring better in there than they were out here...before her cognizance finally slipped away.