The sound of birds chirping was gradually getting harder and harder to ignore, as was the stream of sunlight filtering in through the window. He must have overslept...why didn't the alarm go off? Why didn't the Cock of Dawn crow to welcome the day? No, why didn't any of his friends call to wake him, knowing today was the day of the Christmas Eve party?
His body still heavy with drowsiness, LG sat up in bed...a bed he did not recognize. In fact, he didn't recognize anything about this room...this was definitely not a room in his lighthouse. But how could this be? He swore he could remember falling asleep in his own bed last night...and he was far too stressed yesterday filming his hit TV show's Christmas special to have spent the night with his gentlemanfriend. So what was the deal?
One foot hit the floor, then the other. LG walked over to the window that was still obnoxiously leaking sunlight into his unadjusted eyes and pulled back the curtain...he could not believe what was before his eyes. The ground was awash with fluffy snow, with yet more still softly dancing in the sky. A holiday melody played in the distance, the sort one might hear from an old-fashioned music box. In the distance was a grove of such perfect-looking evergreen trees that LG could almost smell them from the window. Further still, a gate, beyond which were a few quaint-looking buildings that seemed straight out of a fairytale book.
This...was definitely not the Peeninsula. Hell, it didn't look like anywhere in IGNOLand. It was almost as though he'd been transported into some magical Christmas village overnight...
He's lost in thought as he opens the door--
“Oh!!”
...crashing right into someone who was about to enter.
LG moved to catch her before she fell down the stairs behind the door. It was an old woman - looking to be in her 70's - dressed in a very modest, old-fashioned style. Almost like a nanny, though far less stiff than the common imagination of one. She walked with a cane, and she wore a frilly bonnet on her head. Her glasses-covered eyes were wide with surprise as LG helped her recover, just barely saving the tray of milk and cookies balancing on the tray she had been carrying with her free hand.
“I'm terribly sorry, dearie...I didn't know you were awake yet!! Thank you for helping me up, these old bones ain't what they used to be...”
She chuckled as LG gently set her back on the floor and helped her regain her balance. She almost reminded him of his grandma back in IGNOLand. ...wait, IGNOLand...that's right.
“It's no problem...but can you tell me where this is?”
“Oh, why yes, dearie...my name is Maude, and you're in my home. My husband found you passed out in the snow after the storm. You would have frozen to death out there, so he carried you here despite his arthritic hip, bless his heart...you've been sleeping ever since.”
“I've been sleeping...? Does that mean I missed the Christmas party?”, he wondered out loud. LG didn't remember any blizzard, but he knew that his friends would be very sad if he wasn't able to make it to the party at the last minute…
“Why no, dearie, of course not!! Today is Christmas day, and the party will be held in town square like it always is. You haven't missed a thing!!”, she said cheerfully, giving him a toothless smile.
But how could this be? Last he knew, he was filming the Christmas special of LG's Jacuzzi, which was set to air on Christmas day - of course, he had plans to spend Christmas Eve with his friends like every year, and to make a return trip to Gaylia the next day for the holiday festivities they coincidentally celebrated at the same time of year despite being in a different galaxy and having an entirely different 'timezone' than Earth. Had he really been asleep for a whole day and missed the Christmas Eve party? And where exactly was this house? He had fallen asleep in the Peeninsula, had he not? LG's mind was racing…
He decided to put the issue aside for now...regardless, if today was Christmas, then he had still missed the Christmas Eve party with his friends. And he was who-knows-how-far away from them, now...taking a deep breath and trying to regain his composure, he turned back to the old woman.
“Is there a phone anywhere around here? I need to call my friends...”
“Unfortunately we don't have one, dearie...but if you head to town hall you'll find one there.”
The old woman gave him directions on how to reach the town hall from their current position - it wasn't very far away at all. She even made sure to give him a very warm, thick scarf that she had knit herself, telling him that since he wasn't exactly dressed for the weather it was important that he stay warm. After thanking her for her hospitality, LG headed off through the snow and made his way to the town square.
The main thing he noticed was that this town was very charming...it was like something straight out of an old-fashioned Christmas postcard. Snow-covered cottages and quaint little shops dot the feathery white landscape. People bundled up in warm, vintage-looking clothing bustle to and fro. Children run off to throw snowballs at each other. A horse-drawn carriage passes through and the air is filled with jingling bells and a delightful melody...actually, hadn't he heard this song before...? The smell of delicious baked goods was flowing out of a cute little bakery on the corner, adjacent to a very large Christmas tree towering in the center of the square.
It was all very impressive, but LG had come here for a reason - he needed to find town hall so he could call his friends...but as he made his way further through the square, he realized he didn't need to. There, huddling together outside what appeared to be a train station, LG found several of his friends already gathered, discussing what happened to them...to his surprise, all their stories were very similar. Though they remembered falling asleep in their own bed, they woke up somewhere unfamiliar. A kindly stranger informed them that they had been found unconscious in the middle of a snowstorm. LG wondered what kind of snowstorm could have swept through IGNOLand and whisked them all away to this village, but there was no time to worry about that. Before long, the final members of their group - SG2 and Bones - arrived, and told them that there was apparently a map they could use inside the train station.
After being awestruck by the huge, archaic steam train, the IGNOites finally found the map...it was the sort of old map you might see in a fantasy board game. And, perhaps unsurprisingly at this point...there was not a familiar sight to be found. The map didn't tell them anything they didn't already know...it gave no insight on how they might be able to return to IGNOLand.
“Great...this map's useless. So much for getting home in time for Christmas party...”, Bones lamented. “Not that it matters, since I pretty much trashed everything.”
“Hey...”, SG2 ponders, taking another glance around the square. “Why don't we worry about how to get back home later...and just enjoy Christmas here tonight?”
SG2 pointed out that they were, for whatever reason, basically in the ideal Christmas village...and that they were all together. Since Bones always worked himself into a stress trying to put on the Christmas party each year, this was finally their chance to wind down...LG also thought this was a wise idea. SG2 even noted how he was one of the hardest-working citizens of IGNO City, and that of all his many jobs, none of them would really need him to show up right now. And it was true that he'd already given his Christmas radio broadcast and filmed the special for LG's Jacuzzi...and unsurprisingly, SG2 had no intention of keeping Peach Out open on Christmas day, either.
“Sure is nice to find someone else with a healthy work ethic”, LG says dryly. But he couldn't be too critical about it, as he had taken a backseat in managing the co-owned establishment several months ago and was basically only a co-owner on paper - he'd stopped working there regularly to focus on his other jobs, so it didn't effect him too much.
“Aw, what the Hell. Let's do it!!”, said Bones, showing a rare smile.
As the IGNOites cheered loudly and high-fived, LG noticed that none of the passersby seemed to take notice, despite how loud and disruptive they were being. In fact, he noticed that the people seemed to be oddly focused on what they were doing, even if they were being outwardly friendly and chatting with others...it kind of felt unnatural, more like he was watching a scripted TV show than real life. Was he imagining things? Maybe he had been involved in show business for too long and started viewing everything through that sort of lens. In any case, he followed his friends as they headed out of the station and back into the town square, where their Christmas day adventures were about to unfold.
“Alright, let's get going. This is gonna be the best Christmas ever!!”
And so, the IGNOites ran through the village they had found themselves in, engaging in every conceivably cliched Christmas activity. They played in the snow, laughing and building forts as a large-scale snowball fight broke out. Of course, that's how it started anyway, but gradually the stakes escalated and it became a familiar sight for LG, who had been in IGNOLand when many a war had been declared...Bradios fired a flurry of snowballs from his buster cannons against xL, who instead shot Sno Balls® out of his toaster blaster. MTS shook the ground with a tremendous tittyquake, but it all came to a swift end when Hamel and Reese teamed up with their combined firepower. Poor Tim and Iris, who had been innocently building a snowman with Azaran on the sidelines, had to see their work melted away as well...but Azaran got revenge by launching ice bolts at them and chasing them as they fled.
Next they visited the tree farm, which was lined with row upon row of gorgeous pine trees for as far as the eye could see, each one dusted with a dollop of snow. Next they encountered the domesticated reindeer in what appeared to be a holiday-themed petting zoo...LG laughed as they took a particular liking to Tim, who must have smelled like sheep and been seen as a kindred spirit. Then they joined up with the carolers, who walked door to door and sang joyful songs to spread good cheer. LG grinned...this was his chance to really shine, as the lead singer and frontman for IGNOLand's most popular boyband, The Straight Experience. He and Bradios paired up and sung their own modern twists of the holiday favorites to much applause - while xL and Azaran's backup dancing really brought the act home. Iris ruined the performance a bit with her terrible banjo playing, but LG didn't mind personally - as long as everyone was having fun, he was happy.
Their last stop as the sun began to set was to ride that same steam train from earlier, taking it down to the local theatre. It was actually LG who suggested they take in a show, being a big fan of musical theatre himself...and they were showing a beloved Christmas classic. For some reason, LG felt a connection to the story of the girl who was shrunken down and entered the world of wooden toys and holiday magic...he couldn't put his finger on why, but he felt like there was a deeper meaning to it. As he was about to share this feeling with his other IGNOites, he decided against it...they were all laughing at how ridiculous the plot came across, so he felt that they wouldn't take him seriously. It was probably his imagination, anyways - best to just let it be.
When they play finally let out, the sun had already set. As they stepped out of the theatre and walked back into the main square, a crowd of people had already gathered around the large tree - everyone hanging their own personal hand-crafted ornaments. Obviously, the IGNOites had nothing to hang...and that's when LG saw the same old woman who had taken care of him come towards them, taking ornaments out from her bag and handing them to everyone so they had something to hang.
“Hey, good to see you! Thank you again for scarf, it really has kept me a lot warmer today!!”
...but the old woman didn't respond. She simply smiled a hollow smile, not at LG, but at the whole group she'd just distributed ornaments to...placing one in his hand and saying,
“Here you are, dearie, Merry Christmas”, before disappearing back into the crowd.
Did she not recognize him, even though he was wearing her homemade scarf...? LG shook his head. Just because his grandma was still sharp as a tack (and just as mean), that didn't mean anything. Perhaps, in her old age, she just had memory problems...but he couldn't quite shake the somewhat uncomfortable feeling he got by how impersonal it seemed. She had just generously given the IGNOites something to hang, to participate in this Christmas ritual, when they had nothing...so why did LG feel like he'd been rudely snubbed...?
As he was pondering this, a man who was most likely the mayor arrived and flipped a switch, lighting the extravagant tree. The square glowed warmly under the colorful lights, all the cute handmade decorations giving the tree an even more personal touch...but LG just felt cold.
“Hey, LG, what are you waiting for?”, xL shouted back at him. “We're gonna go eat, c'mon!! Oh, I hope they have toast...”
“Yeah...coming”, LG answered absentmindedly, taking one more look at the crowd before following the rest through the doors of the town hall.
Spread before them was a massive feast...it was almost enough to make LG forget his apprehension from a moment ago. Of course, he had been asleep for who knows how long...his hunger was finally catching up to him as he stared at the assortment. Several rows of long dining tables with white tablecloths were packed to the brim with food -turkey, goose, ham and fish. There was cranberry sauce and candied yams, as well as both mashed and roasted potatoes. Plenty of baskets were loaded with freshly-baked bread, and there were plates crammed with stuffing and bowls full of assorted nuts. He saw green bean casserole, stuffed mushrooms, butternut squash and brussel sprouts; pigs in a blanket and mincemeat pies, steamed carrots and smoked salmon. Surrounding the food were tall glasses and an abundance of beverages, from eggnog and hot chocolate, hot mulled cider and fizzy fruit punch to seasonal beers and sparkling white wine.
The dessert table was even more awe-inspiring, piled high with tons of delicious-smelling baked goods and sweets. Pies of apple and pumpkin, towering chocolate and spice cakes, figgy pudding, chocolate logs, fruitcakes. The huge variety of fancily-decorated Christmas cookies could have filled their own table were they spread out instead of stacked high on holiday-style trays. Cupcakes, cheesecakes, brownies, tarts, holiday classics like gingerbread men and candy canes, fancy things covered in festive sprinkles and colorful marzipan. LG...was even hungrier than he'd thought, and couldn't wait to dig in.
Over in the corner there was a line of people wearing tattered clothing, holding bowls...one by one they were served heaping spoonfuls of hearty soup and lead to sit among the others at the tables. These people, who probably had no homes to call their own, were being welcomed to eat at the same table as the others...LG glanced over at Azaran, who was smiling at this gesture of goodwill that would be practically unheard of in IGNO City. Still...he could not shake the feeling that these people were acting strangely. Though on one token, they shared their food and talked happily with others...they spoke as though scripted, spouting stock phrases he had sworn he'd heard a million times before. The food was also so beautifully prepared, eating it may well have been akin to a religious experience...but the people took such hollow, empty bites, chewing and swallowing, not seeming to really be tasting it and all the love that should have gone into its preparation. Their smiling faces seemed dubious, like they were being told to smile for a camera and not genuinely smiling from their hearts. LG knew...he saw these same sorts of stock emotions every day on his show, and around the IGNOLand TV station where they filmed other series' like The IGNO Sitcom and Black in the Closet. He had been to those sets before...and he could not help but feel that this was all too familiar. Like this entire celebration was a performance, and the village itself a stage.
“There's still some room to sit over there. C'mon”, said SG2, bringing LG back to reality.
The IGNOites gathered around the table and quickly began on their heaping plates. They made idle conversation with their neighbors between gulps of food, laughing and telling what must surely have seemed like tall tales about their incredible adventures in IGNOLand. Eating delicious meals, drinking warm holiday beverages, and being merry with friend and stranger alike - this was the true meaning of Christmas. Or, it should have been...but hungry as he was, LG just couldn't bring himself to embrace this meal.
As they finished polishing off their desserts, the conversation arose on the very issue...the true spirit of Christmas, and how it was about being together. Bones was speaking on the subject.
“I still don't know where we are, or how we got here...but I feel like it was for a reason. We needed to be taught a lesson...Christmas isn't about getting the best gifts for your friends, even if it means plowing down other people in order to get it. It's about family, and friendship...about just enjoying the time you spend together with your loved ones.”
Everyone noted how out of character this speech was for Konungur Bones...even LG had to comment on how strange he'd been acting all day. It was like he was lost in a holiday daze. Bones merely brushed the issue off, and as they discussed where they would go to spend the night, Bones said he already had a place in mind. His cape fluttered behind him as lead his subjects out of the town hall and back into the cold night. Snow continued falling ceaselessly...it had been snowing continuously all day long without stopping. The music that had been playing in town grew fainter as they followed the lit houses along a path through the crunchy snow.
They arrived at a building with a sign that said, 'The Good Hoof'. Was it an inn...? Bones knocked on the door and was greeted by a girl he seemed to recognize. LG surmised this was where Bones had awoken that morning...strange, in that he sensed none of that scripted emotion from this girl, who identified herself to the others as Linda.
“Sorry to bother you so late...but my friends and I were looking for a place to sleep, and...”
“Oh, nonsense, that's what we're here for!!” She gave a gentle smile. “If you follow me, we can prepare some rooms for you and your friends...”
“You're sure it's not too much trouble? There are a lot of us...”, LG pointed out, trying to be considerate. Linda giggled as she shook her head, leading the group into the foyer where they sat down.
They were soon greeted by a man, probably Linda's father and the owner of the establishment...he seemed friendly enough, but again LG felt like he was talking to a camera and not to a human in front of his face. Still, when they were told that rooms for the night would be free, it was hard to pass up that kind of generosity. A woman LG assumed was Linda's mother set a plate of delicious-looking cookies and glasses of warm cider on the table in front of them. Weird feeling or not, LG couldn't deny that everyone in this town had been exceptionally kind to them all, despite being complete strangers.
When Linda and an older woman - most likely her grandmother - returned from preparing the rooms, she presented a small gift box to Bones, which he unwrapped to find a cute snowglobe.
“Yes, it's always been my treasure...I thought, since you were stuck here for Christmas, you should at least get a gift...”
Bones set the globe down on the table for all the IGNOites to look at...inside was an old-fashioned village with cottages, cobblestone streets and snowy pine trees. There were tiny, hand-crafted figures sculpted with meticulous detail, of villagers, of reindeer, of horse-drawn carriages, and even a little train. In front of one building in particular stood a group of seven people - a young girl, a man and a woman who were likely her parents, a grandmother...a man standing beside the girl, her husband perhaps? He looked familiar...actually, so did the other two figures, a young man and a short girl...was that...LG and...Karma? No way, it couldn't be...they were all dressed in the same sorts of clothing as the other figures, and they were so small, but there was still something about them…
Suddenly, the old woman laughed, nudging Linda forward a bit.
“Oh go on already ya silly kids, or haven't ya noticed yer under the mistletoe?”
“G-Grandmother!!”
Sure enough, there was a mistletoe hanging from the ceiling right above the two. The other IGNOites began to tease Bones for finding himself a little girlfriend, and urging him to make his move. Even LG set aside his unpleasant thoughts to poke fun at the normally stoic Konungur, who himself was now blushing like a tomato. Meanwhile, xL was trying to flirt with Linda's father...and failing miserably, much to everyone's amusement.
Bones gave her a kiss on the cheek, and the IGNOites rejoiced...until Bones shot them with the death glare. Linda and the others retired to the back room, leaving the rest of the group on their own...but it was decided that they, too, should be off and get an early start the next day. They still needed to figure out how to get out of this place and return home...and as far as LG was concerned, the sooner they got back, the better. He would be seeing the unnerving, painted-on smiles of the townsfolk as he dreamed tonight, he thought, slipping into bed…